I Believe I Can Fly #4 (from DIARY OF A DAY-PROWLING PERVERT #1)

But then I stopped.

This opportunity may never come again, I told myself. Make it last. With much effort I stepped backwards: first one step, then two, then I was out of the store, on the sidewalk. I turned quickly and walked toward the entrance of the mall.

I walked past the shoppers, the screaming children. Past all the shops selling doodads, bullshit, nothing, absolutely nothing. I bought a pretzel from a cart and chewed on it, trying to soothe my nerves, gnawing at it like a rat gnaws on wood to wear down its teeth. I chewed and I walked and I looked around. Finally I found it: the local botique where all the teens go to buy their band t-shirts and sparkly eye makeup and bondage outfits- Goth Topic.

The girl at the counter was sullen, her skin sallow, her eyes piggish points of light beneath thick green mascara. Her hair looked like it had been cut with a weedwhacker, smeared with babyshit, and tacked together with bobby pins. She stared at me and I stared back, waiting for her to greet me. For five minutes we stared at each other with naked contempt.

"Sunglasses," I said.

She rolled her eyes and led me to the back of the room. I watched her ass wobble in front of me and it wasn't too bad. Her black velvet skirt was hiked very high. I didn't like that. I fought the urge to pull it down just a bit.

She gestured toward the sunglasses and walked back to the front counter. I looked through them, found a pair with round, very dark lenses, put them on, and admired myself in the mirror. Then I went back to the front counter.

"Now I need a cane," I said. "I see you've got top hats and other nonsense. You must have a cane."

"We have fifteen types of canes," she said. I could hear jewelry clicking around in her mouth. Slut.

"Give me one austere and useful. No extravagant, Marilyn Manson bullshit."


She showed me the canes and I picked out the most basic one they had. I paid and left.


I walked around the mall for almost an hour, practicing. When I walked toward the escalator people became nervous. "Do you need some help getting on the escalator?" A kindly old woman said.

"Mind your fucking business," I said. She gasped.


Finally I was ready. I walked out of the mall, into the street, swinging the cane back and forth, back and forth, shuffling unhurriedly. I was becoming excited again and I did a little jig.


I was back in the Gap. The asscracks who left had been replaced by more asscracks. An asscrack swarm. I walked in with my cane and sauntered casually to the clothes racks. I kept my head tilted slightly up and stared off at some distant point, carefully keeping an image of Stevie Wonder in my mind.

I held the cane in one hand and with the other I reached a trembling, tentative hand toward the rack where the jeans were. Some of the asscracks looked over at me, momentarily distracted from their shopping frenzy, and I saw flickers of compassion cloud otherwise vacant stares. Hah. females are so weak-minded, I thought to myself.

I began to feel the fabric of the jeans, slowly, methodically. I took a pair off the rack and held it up, feeling the seams, the pockets, the buttons. Then, making a sound of surprise, I dropped it on the floor.

"Oh my!" I said.

The girl next to me glanced over. She was tanned, almost too tanned. She had the kind of body that would turn to butterfat within 3 years, but for now she was big in one place and that was where it counted.

"Oh here, let me help you," she said.

She squatted down, right in front of me, and the bronze asscrack bulged from cheap Korean denim. I stared and stared and then the moment was over. She handed the jeans to me.

"There ya go, " she said.

"Why thank you, young lady, " I managed to say in a strangled voice. My god, a room full of asscrack and here I am, mesmerized by the first one... I stared at her, my mouth hanging open, drool forming at the corners. I snapped it shut. Then I dropped the jeans again.

"Oh jesus, oh jesus I'm so darn clumsy," I said.

She gave me a strange look but squatted again. This time I had a better angle and I could see straight down into the butt gully, down deep, and I felt my head bend forward to huff as if compelled by unseen forces. No no no not yet I told myself but it was too late, I had to huff, and I yelled triumphantly and plunged my nose straight down into her pleasure ravine.

She screamed. I huffed. Peaches and cream and anal odor. I huffed and huffed.

She wrenched away. Women were screaming, running. Jeans and sundry clothing items flew through the air. I saw an asscrack run by. I lunged at it, hooking my fingers in the loops of its jeans. An asian asscrack. It was light and I lifted the entire rear end to my nose. I huffed. I huffed. She screamed and went limp. Not enough asscrack for me anyway. I let her drop to the ground. I cornered a black woman. Her eyes were wild , hunted. She juked left, I went left. She juked right, I went right.

"Listen mama, you ain't gettin' outta here 'til I huff that chocolate furrow."

"What did you say to me?"

"I said give me that asscrack, woman!"

I lunged at her. She swung a roundhouse right and got my ear. Suddenly that ear was very hot. I didn't care. As she tried to run away I made a flying leap for her ass. I wrapped my arms around her legs and took her down like an NFL quarterback. She screamed and the contents of her purse sprayed out in every direction. I climbed her thighs, panting, like a mountainclimber finally making it to the top. I pulled down the jeans and the crack was dark, as dark as nite, and I stuck my nose in there and really HUFFED. It was musky ecstasy.

Looking up from the black crack I saw security guards trying to fight through the throngs of women screaming and clawing and pushing their way out. I leaned forward and whispered in her ear:

"I hope it was good for you too."

She lay there and stared into space, seemingly catatonic. The security guards saw me and I saw them, I saw them and the tasers in their hands.